Aren’t We All In This Together?
Aren’t we all in this together? Why is it that so many people quit and move on to other things? The multiplicities of choices that confront us on a daily basis mislead us to believe that we can have choice in all things. This impulse creates in us the thought that if things do not go my way that I will “Take my ball and go home.” The result of this is frequent life turnover: husbands and wives divorce; employers fire employees; employees quit to seek other employment; voters change their candidate; teachers change schools; students change teachers; patrons find new, more attractive, businesses; businesses search out and find new patrons; preachers leave pulpits; elderships fire preachers. Some even go to the extreme of changing citizenship. Children seem to be the only group who aren’t entitled to leave willy-nilly. Nevertheless, some have championed even the divorce of children from parents. Many also apply this mentality to church membership. Is all of this choice truly what is best for us? Are we all in this thing together?
Our sense of belonging has suffered because of this. Part of our identity as human persons is that we are social creatures. God knows this, and this is why He gave us the church (Matthew 16:18-19, Ephesians 1:22-23). Not being able to identify who we are socially creates an identity crisis. When we are constantly divorcing our community (whatever that may be), we get no permanent sense of belonging. We become a paradox, an isolated individual in the midst of society – alienated. Such an individual will quickly find himself lost in a sea of despair, hopelessness, ennui, and cognitive dissonance. Alone we are hapless and helpless, but together we can do great things – are we truly in this together?
Let me ask that question again: Are we truly in this together? I think that most of us believe that we are not. We really do not have a true sense of community, and in that respect we do not know who we really are because we cannot know who we really are without belonging to a community, but committing to a community can be risky and unpredictable. What if things don’t work out? What if we get hurt? What if we don’t agree with everything the community does? However, we can’t answer these questions unless we commit to the community! We find ourselves in a catch-22: many, if not most of us, are not willing to commit to a community until we discover who we are and what the community is about, but we can’t discover who we and what the community is about until we actually commit to a community. As a result, we suffer from a lack of ability to identify with a specific set of social norms or customs; this condition is known as anomy, and when gone unchecked can have disastrous consequences, but this is basically what we become when choice is our highest ideal. In other words, we have defined the human condition predominantly upon the basis of individual choice. What are we? We are choosers.
I say “choosers,” and not “free,” because simply choosing is not the same thing as having freedom. The notion that making a choice is equal to freedom is one of the big lies of modern society. Choosing is certainly a consequence of freedom, and you cannot truly choose something unless you have the freedom to do it. But freedom is more than simply choosing, because freedom can sometimes mean not choosing at all. Freedom is more than being not inhibited; it is also being enabled. When we are locked into a situation where we must choose, we have lost our freedom because we are no longer enabled, but our culture demands that we do precisely this on a regular basis. Choose milk; choose bread; choose toothpaste; choose who to vote for; choose what church to go to; choose who to marry—sometimes it seems that the only thing that is not allowed is not to choose. In fact, some have been so bombarded by the opportunities to choose that they develop the inability to choose. This is known as abulia, or dependent personality disorder. In other words, the combination of the vast multiplicity of choices that present themselves, and a culture that demands that we make a choice, have, paradoxically, taken away our freedom to choose. In turn, the we-are-choosers identity has prevented us from establishing ourselves in a community and understanding who we truly are, because when things get difficult, the chooser can choose a new group. Can we truly all be in something together and maintain this entitled sense of choice?
Choosing a new group simply upon the basis that we are unhappy is precisely the wrong thing to do, because in so doing, we simply reinforce the scatter-brained approach to social interaction. As a result, we become more fragmented in our personalities. Instead of integrating with others, we disintegrate under the plurality of our choices. There is something to be said for sticking with something until it is done regardless the difficulties that may come our way. I think this is at least one reason why God does not allow divorce except for fornication (Matthew 19:6, 9). It is because our relationship with our spouse is so vital to our own personality that the willy-nilly ending of that relationship fragments us in an unhealthy way and causes additional damage to our ability to integrate. We lose who we are when we exercise our choice to separate. Are we all in this together? Next week’s article will focus on what we can do to improve the situation.
What can we do to increase and contribute to the sense that we are “all in this together?” First, we have to be willing to stick with things even in tough times. Learning and growing based upon enduring through problems while maintaining relationships is God’s way of teaching us to be more like Him (1 Peter 4:1-2). Think about it. God hasn’t caused any problems; those have all come from created beings of one kind or another. Yet God has demonstrated a willingness to stay with His creation despite the problems that it has created for Him. He has not given up on us; we give up on Him, but when we do give up on Him, He will let us go our way—choice to our own detriment. There is something precious about commitment, and we value it when we see it in others, but we find it difficult to accept when we are the ones involved in it. True love involves a level of commitment that is beyond the latest fad that delights the senses. Our commitment to one another displays another one of those God-like attributes. God committed His Son Jesus to our salvation (John 3:16). Developing the “we are all in this together” mentality means that we’ve got to have tough, strong, and disciplined commitment.
Second, we need to understand that other people are going through the same things that we are going through. When we can find someone who has endured or is enduring the same problems that we are enduring, we will find a friend and companion who understands. It is hard to separate birds of a feather. It is when we think that we are the “only ones” who are enduring difficulties that we develop the “choice” mentality and move to another venue of one kind or another. The only problem is that when we do that we just encounter more problems. Seek out and find someone who has endured the same things that you have; get to know him/her, and share your difficulties and frustrations with them; then see how you will grow in your identity and in relationship to the people who surround you. We assemble with one another to encourage one another (Hebrews 10:25). Developing the “We are all in this together” mentality means that we’ve got to understand others go through the same things we go through.
Third, “Love the one you are with.” Many times we think that the proverbial grass is always greener on the other side, but maybe our grass would be greener if we would fertilize and water it a little. Putting effort into those we love will pay off in the long run, but we must be willing to invest time, talent, and treasure. Making an effort to love the ones we are with requires that we think carefully about our relationships and that we value them for what they are. It means we must do some amount of work to make those relationships successful, and it means that we must endure through difficulties that come our way and not give up on the people that we love. No one has a perfect/ideal life. Not everyone is going to have an above average life—most are not. Most lives are mediocre, average, humdrum, and not exciting. Some lives are constantly plagued with problems of one nature or another. Can we love even these individuals? We must (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). Developing the “We are all in this together” mentality means that we’ve got to love the ones we are with.
Fourth, we must value the abilities of others and lean upon them in time of need. Not all of us have the same skill sets. Different individuals have different levels of education and learning, and some can do things that others cannot. When we need help, it is good to know who has the skills to help us. This means that we’ve got to talk to and learn about each other and what our various skills are. When we know this, we see our brothers and sisters in Christ differently. We see them as people we can depend upon, not just people who come and go. Shepherds need to make an effort at identifying the talents of individual members of the congregation, and finding a place for them to work with the skills that they have (1 Corinthians 12:12-26). Knowing who is doing what is also valuable for understanding our dependence upon one another. Developing the “We are all in this together” mentality means that we’ve got to value the abilities of others and lean upon them in time of need. We can’t go it alone.
When we give up, we are implicitly saying, “We are not all in this together.” What can we expect from one another as we seek to do the Lord’s work in His kingdom? Can we expect commitment to one another despite setbacks? Or can we expect folks to go their own way when they don’t get their own way? This is about our relationships with one another in the Lord’s church and in the Lord’s work. Do we value those relationships? Do we want them to continue? Do we desire to have God’s will done on earth through the church’s efforts? Then we must realize that we are all in this together!