Recovering from Spiritual Narcissism 2
A spiritual narcissist uses religion and spirituality to justify his sinful desires instead of using it to take ownership of his life as God intended. One technique he uses to accomplish this is applying the scriptures mainly to others instead of self. When listening to a sermon, he will not think about making changes in his life. Instead, he mentally lists people that he desires to change: family, friends, neighbors, church members. He will not talk directly to them because that would risk exposing his hypocrisy as they can see his life much clearer than he can. He cannot see clearly his own life since he is blinded by desires to justify his behavior. So, he makes a passive-aggressive plan to “correct” them. He may ask the preacher to teach on a specific topic, talk to the elders, inform some “authority,” or gossip about their behavior. This only serves to reinforce his narcissism because he has “done something” about the perceived problem, and now feels self-justified.
Why does he do this? This behavior permits him to focus on others’ lives instead of his own. His judgmental attitude is “justified” because he is allegedly doing God’s work. He reasons: God wants us to tell other people what the scriptures say, right? It is true that God wants us to talk to others about the scriptures, but we must be “poor in spirit” in our attitude (Matthew 5:3). The spiritual narcissist does not have this attitude, and so he twists the scriptures to his own destruction (2 Peter 3:16), as he applies the scriptures to others while seeking to justify his own sinful behavior. To change, he must first recognize his own spiritual poverty. This will cause him to focus on his own sin instead of others.
Everyone knows that person who wallows in self-pity. Ask them how they are doing, and their response is “I’m OK, I guess.” That “I guess,” is their telling you that they really aren’t OK. When you ask what is wrong, they say, “Oh, nothing.” They don’t want to talk about it because they might end their self-pity, a lifestyle that if given up would mean having to take ownership of their life and not have an excuse to feel sorry for themselves. Self-pity is a victim mentality.
These justify their behavior by saying, “We all have our own crosses to bear,” or “Jesus was a suffering servant.” They think that they must pay for the sins of the world, or, at least, their own sins, through the pain and suffering that they endure. “No one understands,” they say, because they don’t want anyone to understand since that would unmask their behavior. This is narcissism because their thoughts are centered on the self, and the self’s perceived terrible burdens. Their life is valued and validated by problems!
To recover from this thinking, we must 1) understand that Jesus paid for all sins, and that we pay for none. Life is not punishment for our sins! 2) We must shift from a “have to” mentality to a “want to” mentality. When we feel like everything is being forced on us, we feel sorry for ourselves, but when we want to act, it is our choice. 3) We must count our blessings every day. Focusing on blessings will take the mind away from thoughts of self-pity. 4) We must understand that life is great! “This is the day the Lord has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it” (Psalm 118:24). Let go of self-pity and live for Jesus!
A narcissist, who is also passive aggressive, will rarely ever confront someone directly because he does not want to change and take ownership of his problems; it is much easier to blame others. He likely learned this behavior from his parents who also wouldn’t take ownership and blamed others. When he tried to talk about a problem, they deflected it. So, he learned not to communicate his desires directly. Instead, he pouted or used the “silent treatment” until his parents gave him what he wanted. However, if he talked to dad about mom and vice versa, he got sympathy. He played the two against each other. He was rewarded for his passive-aggressive behavior. This practice of not taking responsibility, blaming others, and manipulating them into giving him what he wanted continued into adulthood.
A narcissistic passive-aggressive Christian will use these techniques to get his way in the church. He won’t talk directly to those with whom he has conflict; he will talk to everyone else and stir up a “fuss.” He may complain to the preacher, deacons, or elders who may enable him by shielding him from confrontation because they are narcissistic and passive-aggressive too. This behavior never resolves real issues, and it stifles church growth. The narcissist gets what he wants without having to take ownership of his problems. This is sinful behavior and ignores Jesus’ clear teaching in Matthew 18:15: “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.” The narcissist doesn’t want to follow Jesus’ instructions because he may not get what he wants, and he may have to take ownership of his problems, but Jesus is right, and he is wrong.
Part 1 – https://churchofchristarticles.com/administrator/notes-from-a-recovering-narcissist/